Posted on 19/4/2008

SO many things had happened in the past 4 months, yet I was no longer involved with those events anymore, no, not with them anyway. It was as though I’m getting further and further away from all these related occasions.
Maybe because we’re no longer striving for the same goal, we had REALLY parted ways since then. Those things that we once shared in common were nothing but memories etched quietly in our mind slowly yet surely sinking into our subconscious mind.
That’s why I felt so far away even when I’m just beside them. Maybe I’m the only one that is unconsciously secluding myself from them, after all there’s so much to talk and yet, we don’t talk much when we really and finally have the chance to speak face to face. Just like today, all them see was my darkened expression and bad attitude, or even a shift in personality.
They may felt that I had changed. Maybe I am.
Or maybe they don’t even sense a change.
… …
Maybe I’m not.
Hmph. It doesn’t matter.
The time with you all is now but a part of my Time Chronicles.
That’s Time had passed and That Time’s Chronicle is drawing to an end. In turn a New Time is slowly replacing That Time along with the feelings that I once had when I’m drawn in with That Time’s relationship and interactions. Now when I’m back at those relationships and interactions, I felt something was amiss.
Meeting them all again indeed stirring up those emotions and feeling, but this alone was not enough.

Sigh…

To them maybe I had indeed matured in a way and become darker in both personality and thinking. To be honest the only thing I can feel when I’m with them IS left behind.


When you read you might find this rather depressing and bizarre, but this is the only way I can express thru words here.

Things changed, nothing is forever. I guess that was a part of growing up. An unavoidable plan design by Father Time to all living beings.


Inspiration to write this depressing post
My ex-form 6 classmates were having a gathering/birthday celebration for one of them. I ditched my job and went out to meet with them during my break time.
The time with them was brief, and yet that feeling was strong.

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Posted on 11/3/2008

I feel ... that The path to Scholarship… … is getting further and further away from my grasp. Yes, it's really no longer in my sight.
... ...
... ...

STPM result out today.
Don’t ask me anything about it.
It isn’t too bad. But still, I think I screwed up.
To other it’s just nice. But to me… …it wasn’t enough.
Maybe I did not work hard enough and yet expected to get a not-bad result.
I’m too proud of myself, I felt pathetic and, disgusted with my over rated confidence.
I’m gonna request re-examine with my results.

Come to think of it, even if I get the results re-examined, what should I do after this?
Where my path lies?
What my dreams are?
I don’t know. Maybe my so-called dream wasn’t a dream at all, just fantasies.
That’s why I chose to study form 6. I don’t know.
How happy are those who know their dreams and pursue it restlessly with such determination.

Sigh… …
I don’t know. There are too many things that I don’t know.
I think I better go back and drown myself in the pool of disappointment, before I think too much.

Posted on 26 december 2007

Lately i been kinda busy playing Video AGmes, preparing for the celebration of christmas. Sorry, very sorry for not being to update my blog as soon as possible.
I don't know how you guys spent your christmas, but mine well, it'kinda a overly crowded celebration.

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The only part that i remember the most is that on christmas eve 24 December, as catholics our family as usual went to chruch to celebrate christmas. And as usual due to teh fact that the English will be held at 10.30pm, we chose to go the chinese mass at 7.30pm. and you know who i met in the church....
Ms. Margaret!

There i was sitting on the front seat waiting as time passed, suddenly something familiarly round caught my eye, i thought, 'that cant be right...' wasn't she going to to the church beside our school? SFX?
I quickly took out my glasses, and wore it on, it was indedd Ms. Margaret, and she was sitting just behind me! There's not way i would act as if i didn't see her right?
So, i just turned around and said, 'hello, teacher,' with a awkward smile. SHe was....SHocked to see me here, and for the rest of the mass i did not turn back untill, when the mass finally ended onlt then i turned around a greeted her 'merry christmas. teaher' with a hand shake, while not fprgeting to ask her, 'i never expect to see teacher here...."
She replied with a grin, "actually, i used to go to SFX but today i felt like coming for a chinese mass for a change,"

Sweat, i never thought that i would ACTUALLY meet someone in school in that Taman Mayang Church.... ><
Come to think of it's kinda like fate...

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Been looking for job online lately....too...

i was Supposed to post this review the day STPM ended but my computer seemed to have some CPU usage problem and kept shut down by it self...

So yeah here's the post that was supposed to be posted on 05/12/2007

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Exam finally and officially over!
Phew… …actually since last week I had somehow subconsciously feel as if the exam was over since most of my friends here they had really finish their paper.
This time amongst all 8 paper 4 subjects, the most unexpected was Pengajian Am (general Studies). There I was expecting Account would be the hardest of all subjects and Chinese would be like gambling and PA would be the easiest ever!

I was wrong.
PA was not as I expected especially the Objective paper.
I could remember so vividly when I enter the exam room, grabbing my Objective paper, “this is the paper I can score in this subject,’ I thought, and then I opened the paper… …OMG!
My jaw dropped, I looked at the question for like 2 minutes.
What the heck?! I never study that in my book!
And for the questions latter…let’s just say…I have more than 20 questions that I just ‘tembak’.

PA Paper 2…essay writing, Oh yeah! Drawing the graphs that part I’m so doomed! I’m sure that my 15 marks’ gone! I don’t understand what they want me to draw, graf bar pyramid, graf berpasangan? Damn I only studied and memorized the Carta par berpasangan.

Chinese…
Paper 1…I stuck badly at this paper it’s all about grammars, essay writing, understanding the ancient passage (古文 ) finally 改写。
And paper 2, how lucky we were that amongst the 4 questions, our teacher managed to spot the right question and thus the correct answers. To think that we had to study or rather memorized all of the 4 books like hell….and this is all they came out…

Economic…
There’s nothing to say about this paper. For I did not expected to high or too low about it, the question of the 2 paper was ngaum-ngaum. Well maybe the kuantitatif part, oh well, guess 20 -17 marks no more.

Finally Account!
This was the last paper on the last paper on the last day of STPM, while SPM over yesterday while we were taking the Paper 1. This is the paper that I was so lazy to study, I spent 7/10 of my days before the exam watching TV and trying to get my self online since this STUPID computer doesn’t let online even till now!
( I wrote this in an offline state in the WORD)
And when it’s time to exam I really got panic…Ha Ha…so typical right?
Well that me, impatient and lazy.
But when I really opened the papers I was like expected really hard since Account was the top 3 hardest subject to get A on the list.
But this time, no lejar, no kunci kira-kira at all! Only Jurnal am for pelarasan and sort of stuff! The easiest to scare which was the koperasi instead became the hardest to score and DAMn I shouldn’t choose this question to do, instead I should choose all jurnal am to do. Oh well.
I can say that this year 2007 this paper was the easiest paper I ever did compare with the previous year, thank GOD.

Paper 2 was more unexpected.
They had changed the format of the questions! And no one inform us about that!
But luckily the paper wasn’t THAT hard, still manageable. Because before this paper, I heard from those who did both papers for the past years, when one pare is easy the other is always hard. I was scare when I heard this, but it was too late for me to swallow any words any more.
Maybe because this year they started to use new format thus they made the paper2 less hard which once again I THANK YOU, GOD for HIS unexpected Grace.

Anyway, exam finally over.
At this very moment I feel empty as if my 1 ½ years that I spent studying was over, and the things I study…come to think of it, they don’t really help in my further studies/course that I want to take.
And the classmates who spent these times with me, I know that we might not meet for a very long time. Now only I started feel sad.
Har!
During graduation I feel only happy and excited but now…sad…sigh…thus end my life of this f6 era, and begins another typical drifting season of my life. Working and so…Sien…

Yeay!
Finally Both of the Chinese Paper(s) over!
Now i can finally dump all those weird and never have the time nor the will to understand chinese words out of my little Brain!

No longer need to think in Chinese, but in Bahasa Malaysia!
*sigh next monday's paper1 Pengajian Am...objective...have start READing them also...

But seriously, this time the chinese paper i'm kinda relieved paper 1 (Essay,ANcient Texts, Grammars, 改写)i manage to finish within 3 hours time limit with 1 or 2 minutes to spare for me to tie up those pages together...

ANd paper2china literature history, amongst those 4 sections i, i mean we manage to spot 2 out the 4 thick 'text books' and i'm so grateful to God that, i did not chose to selectively ignore some of the history facts... that's why i can manage to finish all of the sections! Though not sure whether i answered correctly or not....

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Last nite, i was so scared i kept on studying till from 12 noon to nite, still i manage to made 'some' time for my tv dramas (from 8.00-11.30, cant help it), i went at 12 am, but i can't sleep at all....kinda nervous,when i finally felt asleep i had soem weird dream about speaking english with some foreigners and doing some shopping at some rusted looking alley....

ANd then this morning, IT RAINed!
SO hard to get up from bed...
ANd in school before i walk in to the examination classroom...i slipped and fell on the stair, because of that, i felt pain rather than nervous...

WHen i got the question paper...i was like....brain blank....i need for like 15 minutes to start up my brain engine and start thinking....(that always happen...

Now at home writing this blog, i fell so tired as if that paper just stuck all my life out for this day...

Time to eat and then BED~
Chiao...

Till now my leg still hurts....aiks.....