Posted on 3 January 2008


People thought I'm happy that's why I laughed.
People thought I'm never looked down because I smiled.
People thought I'm angry because I'm not smiling.
People thought I'm in bad mood because I'm not laughing.

I always smiled; does that mean I'm happy?
I always laughed; does that mean I'm delighted?

Gheez… … go get a tip!
Use your brain and think for once!
Don't tell me you guys never watched serial dramas?
Why is there someone who had to always pretend that they are happy to hide their feelings?
Gheez why do you think I want to drunk myself in the 1st place?

Excuses, excuses, excuses, my my, aren't I full of shits and craps today?
What's wrong? Are you asking me? Oh there's nothing wrong... ...every things is perfect just as life ALWAYS is. Hypocrites...
So what?! I'm full of shit that's why people are happy!
SO I can be a clown, who can hide my feelings behind those disgusted white and red pain. Even if there are tears rolling down I will not have to fear that the audience know those are tears, just sweats, sweats of stuffing myself into that hot and thick pathetic costumes.
SO why matters?
Nothing ever matters in life, why bother?
Why struggle?
… …
God help me … …let me go, away of nihilism… …away from somewhere were I'm not meant to be… away… …please Lord…forsake your servants not... ...

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Posted on 3 January 2008



Maybe you never heard of me complaining much of my family, do you?
I never like to do so. I never like people to know the real status of my family.
They fight a lot, especially adults. Shouting here and there like barbarians of the neanthedals era what a pain in the ass.

Shout shout shout, just shut up!

That’s I HATE people complaining that they have ANY family problem especially communicating problems!
NEVER EVER come to me saying that you are depressed because of that. I HATE IT! Go to hell and complain or anywhere but me!



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They were the same. They are the same. They will be the same.
I couldn’t stand them shouting at her any longer… … but, what can I do?!
Who am I to stop them?!
Why could they just shout up and let her do her stuff, her job in her own way?!
I hate… … I hate… … but I just can’t bring myself to hate them.

Times and times, events such as this keep occurring, they are the same, or similar. And they never stop happening. Since I was small, the other ‘they’ keep shouting at each other, I HATE… but I pretended as if nothing has happening, there no voice, no sound, nothing is happening.

Silence, Tranquility, Nothingness, Emptiness… …

I know I’m bluffing myself, but what can I do?!

Just when other ‘they’ slightly cease to do so, they started another out roar at home!!!
I can’t stand these any longer. I feel as though there was something in my heart, yearning to gush out from this too cramp and yet overly crowded heart and yet it can’t.

I halted it advance, before it could be seen.
I tried to stop them, I couldn’t, I ‘m helpless.

I HATE, I HATE, I HATE!!!!!!!!

Do you think you are the only one with Family Problems?
Think again.

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You all know it. You all feel it.

You all are not blind, and I know that clearly.
Though we are not clear of the whole thing but we still know it. It just that we acted as if we don't care, we don't want to bother, but deep down in our hearts we still feel the discomfort and the aches.

It is just like what I feel toward you trio.

I tried to cover these emotions and feelings from surfacing on my face. Try as I might I knew it wouldn't be good enough. Thus, rather than hiding these feelings in such distress, I thought, why don't I just convert these into another form of expression or act? Such as teasing, lame jokes?
I admit, for times I had been overdoing it, I just can't be helped; but sometimes you all did not rebuke me about it, maybe because of the guilt you had for leaving me alone. Just like me, you all can't be helped.

Honestly, now, I barely feel such strong emotion as before, but there is still a tiny pixel thorn in it. Hah! Well, maybe soon enough it will be fade away, but not memories.

Those memories, is still there and will always be apart in my heart no matter what happens maybe they will be pushed aside when time flows by, but they will never diminished or faded.

All those thing that happened in these one and half year, I here by sincerely say thank and sorry.

And one more thing, *you need to highlight the words to read them…
HAPPY LOVING!!!

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